Oh my god he is Simply Adorable

I had a doctor's appointment today, to get the results from the recent tests I had to check my blood chemistry and testosterone levels. This was the first visit I had with the GP who was recommended to me by the nurse practitioner at the clinic. I was kind of nervous about meeting him and I wasn't sure what to expect since I seem to be the only tranny that I know of in town.....for now.

Anyway, when he finally came in the room it took me a few moments to decide that he is absolutely the most adorable little queer man I have ever seen. Ever. He did his residency with a transgender health program out east so believe it or not here in this little town I actually have a doctor with transgender medical experience! I no longer have to worry about having to explain myself over and over again, and have someone walk up and down the halls wondering loudly have we figured out if this patient is male or female?? (yes this actually happened to me at the hospital...twice)


I am feeling better now I know I have someone I can trust with all my gender issues in a medical capacity. I have someone who is willing to take the time to make sure that I know what I need to do to stay healthy while managing the other aspects of transition. He has booked me an information appointment to go over all the things I will need to do to keep my Cholestrol, blood pressure, hormone levels, etc. in check. I have someone who will fill my prescription, make sure I get my blood tests every three to six months, perform pap tests as long as I still have a cervix... I no longer have to worry if I feel there is something going wrong with my medication or if I have issues after surgery, or concerns about my mental health, or simply need a referral, I now have a doctor here who can help me.


I am lucky. So far things seem to have been going along pretty smoothly. A few minor bumps along the way and a long time standing in line with the rest of the trannies to access the health care services I need but so far my transition has been a pretty smooth road. I hope that my luck continues when it comes to having top surgery.


I am waiting to hear back from BC health about whether or not my surgery will be covered and although I am fairly certain that I will end up paying at least a portion of it, I have my fingers crossed that the leftover amount won't be beyond my means. If it is I will move on to back up plans B and C and D if necessary.


As usual I'll keep you posted.

Posted: Tuesday, 10 August 2010, 10:52 pm

Word Learning And Unlearning

I remember the first time I really had to engage with my own word choice and change what I was saying. I was never one to use “gay” let alone “faggot,” “dyke,” “cocksucker,” etc. in a derogatory manner. Hell, the only time I ever said “carpet muncher” was in a community theater production in high school, in which [...]

Posted: Tuesday, 10 August 2010, 6:30 pm

Why?

A friend of mine runs a website called Wildcherry, “The Home of REAL Lesbian Sex”. On her site, she has a blog, she recently posted a blog called “Who made you the lesbian police?” in which she talks about a prominent lesbian blogger dictatng what makes a ‘real lesbian’. She talks about how she is unhappy that this person is saying she’s not a ‘real lesbian’ because she’s had fantasies about being with men.

Nothing wrong with that, right? I commented to that fact, sexuality is fluid, if you want to fantasise about men, go for it, it’s not hurting anyone to have those thoughts. What did disapoint me about this blog was the subsequent and anonymous comments that followed. I almost couldn’t believe what I was reading, here are a couple of examples of frankly shocking transphobia.

“Bisexuals sexuality is fluid
By Lesbians don’t sleep with men bisexuals do.

I would have to agree with the blogger. What you describe here is bisexuality. So many bisexuals rush to label themselves Lesbians because they like the label then get pissed when people find out they are not. What it means to be a Lesbian is not going to contort itself to your bisexuality. If you are bisexual own it. Don’t blame Lesbians for being annoyed when you try to dictate to them what their sexuality is either. Lesbians do not sleep with men or desire to do so. Bisexuals do. Lesbians do not desire sex with men and do not sleep with them or forsee it in their future. It’s not a complex issue at all. Unlike the uneducated person states in the comment above no one cares who you are sleeping with unless you are a liar and telling people you are a Lesbian when you are really bisexual.

Whoever this blogger is deserves praise for educating you.

If you are still attracted to men and don’t rule out sleeping with them in the future but prefer women that would make you bisexual but Lesbian identified.

The problem here is your lack of education.”

I couldn’t believe the arrogance it takes to completely disregard trans people, intersex people, genderqueer people, two spirit and bi-gender people, asexuals, queers, pansexuals, the list goes on! So I commented to that effect. This was a follow up comment.

“anti-Lesbian trannies
By anti-Lesbian trannies (corrections)

Great comment. There really is no debate around the issue of Lesbian sexuality. Though some lunatics would like there to be, there isn’t. Some unbalanced people make everything about them because they they are unbalanced.

They are lacking in education.

Lesbians are Lesbians.

No one understands all of these terms w/o ppl explaining what they are ..biothis biothat … but truthfully it’s irrelevant because Lesbians sleep with women and and that’s pretty much the end of it. If they sleep with trans or whatever then they are queer and Lesbian identified but they are not Lesbians if they are giving BJs and having sex with penis. Penis is male and it’s not a Vagina. Let’s get a grip here.

As a Lesbian I do not have to change to appease self centered lunacy and none of us ever will. Gay men don’t tolerate this stupidity. Many trans people are very anti-lesbian and woman hating. This isn’t our problem and no one takes these silly arguments seriously anyway because they are ridiculous.

On the other hand, if a woman is in a relationship with a woman but finds herself seriously attracted to men and can definitely see herself sleeping with a man or has frequent threesomes with men then she’s certainly bisexual. There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual. If she is only in relationships with women and has occaisional sex with men she is still bisexual but perhaps Lesbian identified. The rest of your explanatoin regarding the movie and how it affects the L in lgbt which clearly no one cares about, except Lesbians, is right on. Sounds like you hav a clearer understanding and not becoming offensive before understanding something. Good on you.”

I’m sorry, did you just say many trans people are very anti-lesbian and women hating? Are you fucking kidding me? It was about this point I lost my cool. I told them to fuck off. Here’s some follow up, I’m guessing it’s the same person, who can tell, they won’t post a name.

“woman-hating envious Tranny’s bullies
By woman-hating envious Tranny bullies

Yep, you want to be taken seriously as a woman? HAHHAHHA What a joke. You are a typical man. A bully to women. You might scare those little PC lesbians with no brain but the rest of us aren’t putting up with your bullsh. You are a typic man…a bully woman-hater. Go take your hormones unbalanced bully. Then you want people to take you seriously “I’m a woooooman I’m a wooooman” while you act like typical MAN-BULLY.

“I’m a woman just like you?” What is your benchmark buddy? According to WHAT benchmark?! Please you are man/bully like the majority of other men. Envious of women, woman hater.

On behalf of every woman you’ve ever bullied because you are pissed you were born with a disgusting dick and you think you can bully women around because you shave your legs and we won’t call you what you are ….a sexist woman-hating misogynist: Fuck you, pig.”

I’ll take it from the ‘disgusting dick’ part that this person has assumed I’m MTF. This is a lesbian making these comments, this is a member of the LGBT community making these comments. And they’re not the only one thinking this. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like to make sweeping generalisations, I don’t believe that every lesbian thinks this way, but it doesn’t change the fact that some do.

For the record, I don’t hate lesbians and I don’t hate women.

But this has spurned on my thinking, I made a post previously about the LGBT community, about how the T is just lumped on there, about how the LGB bit refers to sexuality and the T bit refers to gender and physical sex. When I see comments like this, it makes me feel even more detatched from the LGB part of the community.

It’s started me thinking, why is the trans community clinging to the apron strings of the gay community? Why do we need to be lumped in with them? Why can’t we stand on our own? Why do we fight for gay rights along side gay people, yet when it comes to trans rights, we stand alone? Why don’t we just go it alone?

Posted: Monday, 9 August 2010, 9:18 pm

Buy Me Some Peanuts & Cracker Jack, I Don't Care If I Never Come Back

There are entire economies devoted to the belief that humans are the ultimate life form, the pinnacle of creation. The survivability of the lowly cockroach in a nuclear storm renders that courageously upbeat faith moot, but what of it? I happen to think we are one more step in evolution’s grand trek, a stop along the way like Stuckeys where we can get our pecan-log on. Bill tells me that all great evolutionary change is precipitated by catastrophe. He reminds me that prokaryotes evolved from eukaryotes for whom oxygen was poison. Those early anaerobic eukes were well adapted to living in our highly nitrogenous, cO2 rich atmosphere, and living in water kept them safe from the ultraviolet radiation of our sun. But that had to change, didn’t it? My own smaller universe’s great shifts have been punctuated not by ellipses but by several loud, comic exclamation points. And catastrophe is of course merely a word describing a big event; to an alcoholic those seven DUI’s are the thing that got her sober, not just a series of tragic-comic inabilities to put her finger on her nose before an officer of the law.



Our economies and ecosystems are currently anchored to the binaries of him/her, us/them. Public systems and institutions are rarely ahead of the curve, so we can’t really fault them.  From my perspective at least I see all current social dialogues – about marriage, about immigration, about social policy – as the dying grip of the tribalists’ attempts to force reality into a “manageable” package. What’s painfully evident in the arguments for things like “traditional marriage” or “keeping America American” is how they are not grounded in any sort of logic or even actual history, how they are excruciatingly emotional and even childish. As raw as it is for me to feel persistently ejected from social discourse by virtue of being a queer former woman must it be mind-numbingly painful to feel that all the structures holding your universe together are falling apart, or being blown up by pansy, homosexual, unpatriotic terrorists. I can relate, believe me. 


All forced conflict is by nature absurd, but catastrophe on the other hand can be exhilarating and generative. At the heart of any argument for war, whether on the battlefield or in one’s own kitchen (“If I spill one more jar of honey from a jar you have left improperly sealed you are exiled from this kitchen!” Those of you who have roomed with me may pause now and shake your heads in sweet nostalgia) is something absolutely ridiculous, like “this here is mine.” The great gift of transitioning is the molecular understanding that not even your own body is yours – everything really is just energy we shift from shelf to shelf, kicking up dust mites and memories and hope for some room. The creamy center of catastrophe is maybe “there seems to be some sort of logjam here – maybe it’s time to move some tectonic plates around!”


We can see the transgendered as biology “fucking up” or we can view ourselves as ahead of the social curve. We are a genetic error, a mutation - or  - we are the budding beginnings of evolutionary tendrils. Or both. It doesn’t matter to me – it doesn’t change what is, for me personally. Either way it was a wonderous catastrophe that shifted me from Samantha to Samuel, a starfish beginning in a Spongebob sea. To be literally cut open from port to starboard, a wanton cicatricle twist of scarring and fate – to have imprisoned the hormonal body in testosterone only to have it escape its ordained estrogen death and mutate into something beyond the imaginings of its inhabitor, is to fucking know some evolution.



I try to sidestep my own obsession with the “why” - technologies avail themselves to me only as I live in my present moment. I can now view my own past through the lenses of addiction, transgender, spirituality or vis a vis misogyny, pop culture, 70’s blockbuster films, the slow food movement, tramp art and more but I had to stay more or less in motion to be able to really look behind me. Any discipline I may use to update my understanding of history is just another place holder on the landscape of the cosmic dinner table. 

But know this: you are not a biologic cock-up. You are here with reason and purpose and cunning and calamity. You are here with some really great shoes. You are here to take me out to the ballroom, take me out to the crowd. You are here to exhibit your tentacular disaster, your twisty limbs, your sass and frown. You are here to get down, sisterbrother. Don’t truck with the naysayers – tell them you’re just the next babystep towards God’s great genius and you can’t help them if they won’t leave the crib. Come slither beside me – what everybody knows but will never say out loud is that in the race between the tortoise and the hare, it is the stopwatch who wins. Let us then be cuttlefishies and leave the racing for the quads.

Posted: Monday, 9 August 2010, 2:08 pm

Part 4 Male Gender Identity in an Individual With Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome

What I learned during summer workation - (as opposed to vacation, which it wasn’t): 1. Some intersex people really don’t like it when trans people claim to be intersex because they’re trans. 2. Some trans people really don’t like it … Continue reading →

Posted: Monday, 9 August 2010, 4:50 am

Getting “Sir”ed

Sophomore year of high school I remember winter break in texas. I hated and loved my haircut. It was short, too short in fact. Though years later I would ask for it shorter than it was, it just looked bad. Thus, the hate. But, it helped me pass, helped my very closeted 16 year old [...]

Posted: Sunday, 8 August 2010, 11:20 pm

Almost there and more to do.

Next week this time I will be in Trinidad, Colorado. It is crazy how fast time is flying. It is good and starting to be a little ... WOW. Not a bad thing. I still need to pack. I have to make sure I have everything for my trip. I haven't started packing and I have a crazy week ahead so that is um something I need to be on top of! I also have to make sure I pack my trip confirmation, hotel confirmation and get everything together on my list of things for surgery. Speaking of that. I should go look at the list again. The only thing I remember is the inflatable cushion. Yikes!

Posted: Sunday, 8 August 2010, 9:31 pm

2, 7,9

2 days until my birthday.
7 days until I leave for Colorado.
9 days until I have my metoidioplasty.

Posted: Sunday, 8 August 2010, 9:18 pm

e[lust] #18

HNT Courtesy of Barefoot Dreamer – Photo by Jon H. Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #19? Start [...]

Posted: Sunday, 8 August 2010, 4:52 pm

Knowledge is Powerless if you Don't use it!

So I've been pouring through YouTube a lot lately, learning from other guys and their experiences. I've been getting ideas on how I want to work out, get in shape, eat right, etc...but I'm so busy studying and researching that I don't make time to actually DO something with the things I'm learning.

For starters, I want to learn how to dance hip hop pop/lock, tutting, etc. I've been on a K-pop kick lately, well, with only one particular group (SHINee and their song "Lucifer") and it's motivating me to finally learn how to dance. I'm just nervous about being able to afford classes or having the proper place to practice at home. I'm pretty good about thinking, but not so much on doing. I gotta keep working on making the two things more balanced in my life.

In other news, my voice has dropped more lately. Yay! And my Dad loves me no matter what, yay! Life is good. W00T!

Posted: Sunday, 8 August 2010, 12:36 pm